Four Chairs: An exercise when you have a painful exchange or are annoyed with someone

The "Four Chairs Exercise," shared by Kaira Jewel Lingo in the Ten Percent Happier episode, Six Buddhist Practices To Stay Calm In A Tumultuous World, is a mindfulness and compassion practice designed to help you process difficult emotions with awareness and compassion by sitting in different perspectives of the situation. Chairs 1 and 2 help us understand common reactions to situations that keep us swirling in our minds and make it difficult to move through and heal, while chairs 3 and 4 move us into a mindful healing space. Here’s how to do the exercise.

1. Chair #1: Externalize: Sit in the figurative first chair and think about the situation that is causing you pain or stress. Speak aloud (or in your mind) and get in touch with your anger and frustration, externalizing the pain to be the responsibility of the other person. "How could they say x" or "They are so horrible for doing x" or "I cannot believe they would do x". Notice how it feels in your body to put the responsibility on the other person. This is a reaction many people will have, and it usually is not very healthy.

2. Chair #2: Internalize: Move to the second chair in your mind and internalize the interaction. This involves thinking "this is all my fault", or "I should have said x" or "I cannot believe I did x" or "I am a horrible person for doing x". Notice how it feels in your body to put the responsibility on yourself. This is a common place many people go in their minds, and it usually is not very healthy. It is the opposite of chair #1, so can be interesting to feel the range of feeling from externalizing to internalizing.

3. Chair #3: Self-Compassion & Sitting with Pain: In the third chair, practice self-compassion. Acknowledge the pain you’re feeling that the situation is bringing up, and respond to yourself with kindness, as if you were comforting a dear friend. This could look like "wow that really hurt and is triggering my insecure parts, I will put a hand on my heart and give myself some self-love" or "I feel a deep sense of sadness and isolation and I am going to show myself so much love and care for the pain that I feel". Notice how it feels in your body and mind to sit in chair 3.

4. Chair #4: Compassion for Others: Finally, sit in the fourth chair and consider the other person involved in the situation. Extend compassion toward them, recognizing that they, too, experience pain and struggle, and tune into what might be going on for them that they would act the way they did. This isn't to dismiss harmful action, but to practice noticing what could be going on for them. The common phrase "hurt people, hurt people" is apt here. Send them compassion and love for their hurt parts -- whether it may be insecurities, sadness, or systemic burdens. Notice how it feels in your body to sit in chair 4.

   
   

This exercise helps build mindfulness and emotional resilience by fostering both self-compassion and compassion for others, creating space for healing and understanding in challenging situations.